Mood Altering Connections
In a recent Men’s bible study, we talked about vices, and the topic drifted to things that can gain our attention and alter our mood. Music seemed to be a common theme and even Cortt Chavis talked about this (in the video below) and added to the inspiration of this post.
Many of the men confessed that they battled with anger at times in their life. Music can be a powerful means of connection and so can smell. I recently was at work, and I don’t know where the smell came from, since there wasn’t anyone welding in the area, but immediately I was transported back to my uncle's welding shop. Even as we talked about this in the bible study and talked about a woodshop and the smells of wood, sawdust, and polyurethane, my mind went back to my uncle’s welding shop. It wasn’t really a kid's playground, with old cars, riding lawnmowers, and metal, but it was the only place that seemed interesting on my grandmother’s property; the only place where there was limited access for kids.
As I discussed before I was diagnosed with depression at the age of 9, and there were many times that I got caught in an anger-depression-anger cycle. It was sometime in 1989, at the age of 10, that I discovered pro wrestling and would watch it for the next 17 years. There was much about the mid to late 90s in music and pro wrestling that seemed to scream anger or an “attitude”. Alanis Morissette became popular at that time with her album “Jagged Little Pill”, the album seemed to scream attitude, anger, & sarcasm, and it was a hit; it sold over 33 million copies. I was in high school at the time, and it seemed to resonate with the angry and bitter teenager that I was; like her song “Ironic” life did seem to have a lot of irony. Likewise, pro wrestling started to get an attitude in 1997, and you saw the rise of stars like Stone Cold Steve Austin, The Rock, & Triple H. Many viewers, like me, tuned in to each episode to vicariously watch these wrestlers and others “stomp a mudhole in someone and walk it dry” to quote Stone Cold Steve Austin, but omit the foul language.
When I got into church in 2005 and after my baptism, God started dealing with me about my watching wrestling, and after 6 months, I finally gave it up. I got rid of the magazines, videos, trading cards, action figures, and just about everything to do with it. It had consumed too much of my life for too long, and I needed to make room for Jesus in my life; to give Him praise and not some professional wrestler that I’d likely never meet. Yes, I have met a pro wrestler, but he was only one out of dozens.
Our church has a fast a couple of times a year, and members are encouraged to fast in a handful of ways. This most recent fast, I had felt myself slip away and start to become short-tempered and easily annoyed with things going on around me. I knew this had been something that was a part of me when I got in church 19 years ago, but I had become more patient over the years, and not so quick to anger. I literally had become so frustrated with how quickly my anger would go from zero to full-on blaze in no time at all, and I found myself asking God about it.
I had to realize that in my interest in the wrestlers I grew up watching, I began to follow them, watch old matches, and listen to their music; I would justify it by telling myself, that I wasn’t sitting there watching a full show or spending the 4 or 5 hours at a time as
I used to, to watch it, but I was watching just the same. For me, watching wrestling and listening to the music is like poison, even ingested in small doses is dangerous, because I connect to the anger, revenge, and aggression that is often portrayed in it. I even had an instance this week of wanting to roll off into the lyrics of a Kid Rock song, because it was a wrestler's theme song and it made me feel strong and invincible. That’s the power of music and connection.
It was in that last fast that I had to recommit myself to abstaining from wrestling and it’s music, and not caring about it. It’s not easy because it was a part of my life for 17 years, but this past March marked 18 years since God baptized me with His spirit, so it’s great to know that He has been a part of my life for longer than pro wrestling was; longer than depression was. I’m not perfect and sometimes my desire to be perfect gets in the way of just being me at my best.
God asks us to put things down for a reason, and it may be hard to walk away from them permanently, and never pick them back up. Sometimes we do slide down an old rabbit hole, but we again must come back to the conclusion that made us lay it down the 1st time.
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