I’ve done a segment on my personal Facebook page several times, usually starting with the phrase: “What I saw at church today.” These are typically short, heartfelt reflections—moments that moved me. This post will be an offshoot of those, with a bit more space to breathe.

For those who may not know, I attend a Spirit-filled church. And sometimes—just as the countdown clock ends and the music begins—something extraordinary happens: God steps into the room.

Now, what do I mean by that? Doesn’t God always show up when two or more are gathered? Doesn’t He inhabit the praises of His people? Yes. Those are fair and faithful truths. But when I say God steps into the room, I mean He moves before a preacher even takes the platform. Sometimes, the preacher doesn’t preach at all.

Today, as one of our younger ladies led worship, the Spirit of God moved. Another lady left the stage to pray with someone. I felt the shift—God was working. And when I opened my eyes, I saw it: two… then three… then four and five young ladies praying in different places across the altar. Young people praying for young people. Then came the older women—joining in, lending their voices, their tears, their hands. It was layered and beautiful. Generational. Sacred.

It felt like God was whispering to someone, maybe to many:
“I see you.”
Or maybe—
“I don’t just see the version of you you try to hide. I see the real you. The one right in the battle. Right in the struggle.”

Later, during the altar call, I stood in the third row. Just in front of me, in the second row, were three young ladies. And beyond them, up at the altar, were many of the girls from our youth group. I stood there quietly, watching, praying… and reflecting. I haven’t always appreciated women the way I should. That lack of appreciation was rooted in hurt—my own need for self-preservation.

But what I saw in that moment wasn’t the kind of beauty the world parades around—shaped by curves or clothing choices.

What I saw was beauty in faith.
Beauty in community.
Beauty among sisters.
Beauty across generations.

In 2011, I unknowingly started walking down one of the darkest paths of my Christian journey to date. It didn’t happen because of a loss or some tragic event, it happened because I chose not to listen to God. God told me to leave my church; the church I had been baptized in; the church I had started attending just six years earlier.

My reasoning for not leaving was that I liked the pastor and the people; it was the only church I had attended in my adult life, and where would I go if I didn’t go there? All my hopes and dreams had been wrapped up in this little church that had a history dating back to the late 1960s. Many men had come through the doors through the decades and been pastor, and seen moderate success in gaining attendance, and I had come in six months after the new pastor had been appointed to a then-congregation of two. At the church’s heights under previous pastors, the church had been sixty people strong, but by 2005, after the passing of the previous pastor, the congregation had dwindled to two: an elderly mom and her adult daughter, who had cancer.

When the new pastor was appointed, he came with his wife, two daughters, and a son, bringing the congregation to seven. That first Easter, my pastor had 50. Another local pastor believed that God would make our church’s Easter services double in attendance each year. That next Easter, we expected 100, but 180 came. For the next Easter, we expected 200, but 300 came. Eventually, we started having our Easter Services on Saturday at a local public school that allowed us to use their property. The next year, we expected 600, but 800 came. Then came the year when the doubling fell short, by the fifth year, we expected 1600 people, and we had 1500.

However, despite the numbers for Easter and the two services at two locations, our Easter numbers didn’t transition into growth for the church. Our church had gone from two saints to seven, six months before I started going there, to 50 that first Easter, and then to 100 just a few years later, shattering attendance records set by previous pastors. By year six, our Easter numbers were anywhere between 700 to 1400, but our Sunday attendance had dwindled to around 60.

This is when God started talking to me about leaving. I didn’t have a reason to leave. An evangelist friend of mine cautioned me about the repercussions of leaving against God’s will or staying against God’s will; a conversation that scared me into not wanting to make that decision. I had visited many churches and even if I had left, none of them seemed to really be suitable to what I had come to expect.

For six years, I walked a dark journey that had times when I felt my prayers were hitting a tin roof and coming back down, times when I wanted to end my life, and times when I absolutely hated who I was. Time and time again, I believed God had sent people into my life to tell me I was a preacher, but my pastor didn’t see that in me. I was getting mixed messages; God was calling me to preach, but there were things that pulpit ministries did that I wasn't comfortable with; but then one conversation with my pastor after a trip to West Monroe, LA, I took a spiritual giftings test, and while discussing the results, He told me, “That’s a preacher.” I was confused... “I have the giftings of a preacher, but I’m not a preacher (in my pastor’s eyes)”, I thought.

For six years I wrestled with God about leaving that church, and in the beginning, I believed it was the enemy that was trying to get me to leave that church. Finally, after twelve years of going to that church, I left after hearing that a young lady I knew was going to church in Joshua, Texas, fifteen minutes down the road.

My current pastor preached a message this week titled, “This Little Light of Mine”, and every once in a while, I am reminded of my former pastor’s wife’s sign that hung in her office that said, “Everyone brings light into a room; some when they enter into it, and some when they leave.” I left my previous church seven and a half years ago, and I’m grateful for the foundation it laid in my life, but being where I am now, my life is so much brighter. Having the friendships and family I have now, I wouldn’t want to trade.

As for becoming a preacher, we are all called to share the good news about what Jesus Christ has done for us, but few of us will ever become pastors of a church or have a pulpit ministry. I’m an encourager, and when I step into a room and encouragement naturally flows out of me without me thinking about it, invariably someone’s day is lit up.

I have walked through darkness... Whether it be the seventeen years of depression or the six years wrestling with God to leave my previous church. I have a light and I'm gonna let it shine.

It’s January and everywhere you turn people are talking about goals, dreams, and desires to make their 2025 count. In a recent podcast, former Dave Ramsey personality, Christy Wright asked the question, “What to do when your goals aren’t clear” (Spotify users can listen here). As Christy explained some of her twists and turns in the last two years since God told her to leave a successful career working for Dave Ramsey, I couldn’t help but relate a little. Christy shared that her journey has felt like a walk through the wilderness, relying on God to give her direction.

Last year, my “big sister”, Shelly, posted on her social media account something God had put in her spirit a few days before 2024 began. In that post, she asked the question, “What’s your more in ‘24?”. My first gut reaction and how I answered was, “to ride my bicycle more in 2024”. I rode my bike a whopping, zero times in 2024. However, after posting my answer, God started dealing with me.

I remember a particular service a few years ago when God used my pastor to speak this word to me, “I don’t want your questions, I want your trust.” Too often I’m guilty of wanting to understand before I commit, and many times God wants us to commit and/or obey before He gives us the understanding. I remember also, having a conversation with my associate pastor’s wife, Lisa, in 2023 about Proverbs 3:5-6

Trust in the LORD with all your heart,

​​And lean not on your own understanding;

In all your ways acknowledge Him,

​​And He shall direct your paths. (NKJV)

My theme became “Lean more in ‘24”, but as 2024 has become 2025, I found myself saying to God, “Okay, last year was lean more, What’s next for 2025?”. I feel like He is leading me to build on top of leaning on Him by leaning into my church family and the relationships he has surrounded me with, but I have no clue how He wants me to walk that out. My “big sister”, Shelly, says that the biggest thing anyone can do is pray for their friends and church family. As an encourager, it can be hard to be told to just pray, because I like those times of more intimate fellowship with my church family.

But as January has pressed forward and February looms, I have continued to think on what God wants from me in 2025. Then a week and a half ago on a Monday night our church met to have prayer; at the end of the meeting, God led my pastor to call for people who had felt heavy and burdened. I had several minutes earlier been telling him about a situation in my life where I had felt the weight, then joy, but now we were back to the weight again, and I just wanted the joy. The way my pastor made the call, I almost didn’t feel like I related.

As people responded to the call and lined up to be prayed for, I turned and joined them at the last minute. After my friend (and the man I often refer to as my mentor), Frank, prayed with me, the tears just came. My pastor came and started praying with me as well, but God had given him a word to speak to me. There were multiple components to this word, but the big takeaway was this word from God mirrored the message my pastor had given me a few years ago. God again wanted me to stop questioning Him and simply trust Him.

Now here I am less than a week and a half from this and everywhere I turn, it seems like everyone is talking about Proverbs 3:5. I found myself asking, “Where am I questioning God and not giving Him my trust?” I have had come to the realization that God isn’t angry with my questions, He loves them, but sometimes my actions do not show that I trust Him. Using the example my pastor gave this past Sunday, in a marriage relationship, when a week goes by and a husband and wife get busy and fail to connect, or they have an argument, they don’t have to run to each other and ask, “Are we still married?”, because they made a covenant with each other. Married couples in a healthy relationship understand that sometimes their spouse may do something that is out of character for them or handling a situation in an unusual way, but when trust has been built into the relationship, they understand that their spouse is just going through something hard, but their marriage is fine.

God loves me, and even when He isn’t living up to my expectations in the timeframe that I would hope for, I still must lean into the fact that His ways are not mine, and His timeframe is larger than mine. Every time I allow myself to get frustrated with His plan and His timing, instead of submitting to it; I have only allowed my heart to ache.

As my pastor said on that Monday night, there are some weights that God places in our lives and they are there for us to carry and do weightlifting with. We often want to stand on the platform and hold the medal, but every gold, silver, and bronze medalist had to endure difficult training to achieve the joy of wearing that medal. In 2025, I must continue to focus on trusting Him and learn what that looks like for my life.

To be honest, I asked the question and didn't expect Him to answer... When this word came to me, I thought I knew what he meant. As I look back it's a little clearer that I had a narrow vision of what He meant. I assumed that when He said "men" He meant male, but some of those "men" are precious female souls that love God and have touched my soul with their friendship, given me a place to heal, to be me, and to see and understand God in ways far beyond my own understanding.

So, on the last Sunday of 2024, I got a chance to get a picture with my associate pastors. I'm not very big on having my picture taken or taking selfies, but I started getting pictures after Thanksgiving with my "family". To paraphrase a recent comment from my pastor, "We don't get to choose what family we are born into, but we can choose who gets to be in our family".

Being an only child, coming from a broken home, and losing five family members by the time I was fourteen; in hindsight, there was this part of me that was looking for meaning and belonging... it took me 38 years to find it.

Again, on that final Sunday, as this precious couple agreed to meet me after church and take a photo, I went into that morning's service reflecting on the "men" God has surrounded my life with. I don't even remember what song they were singing, but I just wept, not because of the words of the song, but because the people who I've chosen and who have chosen me, to be my family, mean so much to me. Literally, I felt so broken in humility and gratitude for all God has done in the last 86 months of my life. He has done it through this church and these people, and a few others who get honorary status as my church family.

Going home after church and having taken the photo (top left below), I was listening to a podcast and they were talking about gratitude, and the tears started flowing all over again. There is a saying that says, "We become the sum of the five people we are closest to"; I know I wouldn't be who I am today without these people. To use my associate pastors as an example, they have been champions in my corner; always there to encourage, to see things in me that I'm often quick to dismiss, or to pray for me. Darrell, who is big and tall with a booming voice, but a big-hearted man, and Lisa, who has that quiet and gentle, but strong leadership style and can light up a room with her smile or laugh.

My associate pastors, Darrell & Lisa (top left). My friend and mentor, Frank, with his son and my friend, Micheal (top middle). My friend and “big sister” Shelly w/ her husband and my friend, Jerry (top right). My friend and other “big sister”, Misti, with her husband and my friend, David (bottom left). Our pastors, Chris & Bridgette with my mom holding her baptismal certificate (bottom right).

Many of my closest friends, and indeed the two ladies that I call my “big sisters,” are in the stage of life where they are raising teenagers; some have seen their kids graduate high school and move into navigating early adulthood. It recently occurred to me that for all the stuff said about raising teenagers, the teen years are merely a fleeting seven years.

You spend nine years raising a child, then they are a preteen for three years, then the teenage years hit, and in seven years they’re gone. I’ve heard a lot of advice given to parents about embracing the stage you’re in; to me, it sounds like good advice. Embrace the days that after church you make a B-line out of the sanctuary to go “kill a teenager”. Embrace the days that you have a teenager that wants to stay in bed another five minutes, but they need to be dressed and ready to leave so you can be somewhere in less than two hours. Embrace the days after you’ve worked all day, and you come home to them sitting against a wall with a baseball bat in hand.

Yes, I was the one holding the baseball bat. I don’t know how many times this one event was brought to my remembrance over the last thirtyish years, and often asked the question “Why?”. It’s crazy to think that it’s been thirty years since I was in junior high. There’s very little I remember of the specific details that was going on in my life that made threatening my mom with a baseball bat make sense. It would be several years before I’d see that baseball bat again.

I remember having a lot of hurt, anger, and just feeling lonely; losing my dad at fourteen and my grandad at eight, along with three other family members. For the thirteen years I was in school, I was never in one school for more than two grades. The idealistic story of the kids you went to school with, in kindergarten, are the same kids you graduated high school with, never happened for me. By the time I was in junior high, the sad truth is, the closest thing I had to a friend back in those days were school counselors, mental health professionals, and the occasional school staff member. I often came home to an empty apartment, with mom at work, and when she did get home, we often argued over doing homework; which I didn’t see the point of going to school for eight hours and then coming home and spending the rest of the night doing “schoolwork”.

They say, “It takes a village to raise a kid”, and that’s why during baby dedications at church, we often see not only the parents taking vows, but the whole congregation. After my Aunt Cleda May moved out of state, we didn’t go to church, so we didn’t have that built-in community that churches often offer. Aside from my grandmother helping my mom buy a van, my mom had very little help from her family, and considered herself not only divorced from my dad, but divorced from anyone he called family. I feel for any single parent out there who is raising their kids with little to no support structure; it’s hard to be everything for your kid.

To every teenager out there growing up with a mom and a dad in your home... You’re blessed! To every teenager out there whose parents take them to church and have that community to help raise you... You’re blessed! To every teenager that has one, two, or several close friends... You’re blessed! To every teenager that grew up in a home with Christ-like parents that taught you the bible, and showed you by example what walking out your faith looks like... You’re blessed! To every teenager that has been baptized in Jesus name, and filled with His spirit and spoken in tongues... You’re blessed!!

...And for all the parents that are raising teenagers and sometimes grumble about raising teenagers... Remember it’s only seven short years. Embrace this season in your life, because one day you’ll likely give them away to a man or a woman and think back to these days and remember when they were just a teenager.

In a recent Men’s bible study, we talked about vices, and the topic drifted to things that can gain our attention and alter our mood. Music seemed to be a common theme and even Cortt Chavis talked about this (in the video below) and added to the inspiration of this post.

Many of the men confessed that they battled with anger at times in their life. Music can be a powerful means of connection and so can smell. I recently was at work, and I don’t know where the smell came from, since there wasn’t anyone welding in the area, but immediately I was transported back to my uncle's welding shop. Even as we talked about this in the bible study and talked about a woodshop and the smells of wood, sawdust, and polyurethane, my mind went back to my uncle’s welding shop. It wasn’t really a kid's playground, with old cars, riding lawnmowers, and metal, but it was the only place that seemed interesting on my grandmother’s property; the only place where there was limited access for kids.

As I discussed before I was diagnosed with depression at the age of 9, and there were many times that I got caught in an anger-depression-anger cycle. It was sometime in 1989, at the age of 10, that I discovered pro wrestling and would watch it for the next 17 years. There was much about the mid to late 90s in music and pro wrestling that seemed to scream anger or an “attitude”. Alanis Morissette became popular at that time with her album “Jagged Little Pill”, the album seemed to scream attitude, anger, & sarcasm, and it was a hit; it sold over 33 million copies. I was in high school at the time, and it seemed to resonate with the angry and bitter teenager that I was; like her song “Ironic” life did seem to have a lot of irony. Likewise, pro wrestling started to get an attitude in 1997, and you saw the rise of stars like Stone Cold Steve Austin, The Rock, & Triple H. Many viewers, like me, tuned in to each episode to vicariously watch these wrestlers and others “stomp a mudhole in someone and walk it dry” to quote Stone Cold Steve Austin, but omit the foul language.

When I got into church in 2005 and after my baptism, God started dealing with me about my watching wrestling, and after 6 months, I finally gave it up. I got rid of the magazines, videos, trading cards, action figures, and just about everything to do with it. It had consumed too much of my life for too long, and I needed to make room for Jesus in my life; to give Him praise and not some professional wrestler that I’d likely never meet. Yes, I have met a pro wrestler, but he was only one out of dozens.

Our church has a fast a couple of times a year, and members are encouraged to fast in a handful of ways. This most recent fast, I had felt myself slip away and start to become short-tempered and easily annoyed with things going on around me. I knew this had been something that was a part of me when I got in church 19 years ago, but I had become more patient over the years, and not so quick to anger. I literally had become so frustrated with how quickly my anger would go from zero to full-on blaze in no time at all, and I found myself asking God about it.

I had to realize that in my interest in the wrestlers I grew up watching, I began to follow them, watch old matches, and listen to their music; I would justify it by telling myself, that I wasn’t sitting there watching a full show or spending the 4 or 5 hours at a time as

I used to, to watch it, but I was watching just the same. For me, watching wrestling and listening to the music is like poison, even ingested in small doses is dangerous, because I connect to the anger, revenge, and aggression that is often portrayed in it. I even had an instance this week of wanting to roll off into the lyrics of a Kid Rock song, because it was a wrestler's theme song and it made me feel strong and invincible. That’s the power of music and connection.

It was in that last fast that I had to recommit myself to abstaining from wrestling and it’s music, and not caring about it. It’s not easy because it was a part of my life for 17 years, but this past March marked 18 years since God baptized me with His spirit, so it’s great to know that He has been a part of my life for longer than pro wrestling was; longer than depression was. I’m not perfect and sometimes my desire to be perfect gets in the way of just being me at my best.

God asks us to put things down for a reason, and it may be hard to walk away from them permanently, and never pick them back up. Sometimes we do slide down an old rabbit hole, but we again must come back to the conclusion that made us lay it down the 1st time.

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*Are you a Christian author writing a book? Square Tree Publishing has a Christian Author Shop where you can join a writing group of like-minded authors like yourself, publishing & editing services, or even be coached by the same coach who helped myself and others break off mindsets that have held us back from writing our books.

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The Encourager's Heart YouTube Video - Depression

The Encourager's Heart - Depression
Today I tell my story and how Spirit-filled believers can suffer from depression, grief, church hurt, and even suicidal thoughts.

Whether it’s recently quoted vows to a spouse, a first pregnancy, a new promotion at work, or feeling the drawing of God to accept more responsibility at church, few of us realize the weight that comes with responsibility. Sometimes that weight is accompanied by fear, doubt, or a slew of other thoughts and feelings (even, at times, to the point of paralysis).

In all transparency, I have found myself struggling in this very area and, if I’m honest, have been struggling with it longer than I feel any human should. However, I am reminded of the stories of David, Elisha, Joseph, Gideon, and Moses. David was just a boy tending to his father’s sheep and singing to the Lord with a harp when he had a flask of oil poured over his head and he was anointed king. I’m sure he was not wishing for someone to come and anoint him king in Saul’s place. Elisha was plowing a field when Elijah thrust his mantle upon his shoulders. Elisha didn’t wake up that morning thinking, “God’s going to make me Elijah’s right-hand man.” Joseph became the second most powerful ruler in the land of Egypt, but perhaps, even as he told his brothers and father of this God-given dream, he could not have envisioned having that much authority. Gideon was just trying to thresh some wheat so his family could eat, and Moses had fled his adopted Egyptian family after murdering an Egyptian.

In every one of these stories, men became leaders and stepped into roles that none of them would’ve wanted if they could have seen the end before the beginning or the outcome. Yet, marriage calls us to a role, just as parenting, ministry, or work promotion calls us to various roles. Sometimes the role is not one we would have wanted for ourselves, but it’s the one that’ll fit us like a glove. Much like disposable gloves, there is a process to getting them on and doing so without shredding them.

I recently experienced one of the most powerful altar services I’ve ever been in and, as I stood there wrestling with the thoughts of my heart, God said, “You can’t do it in your own might; you can’t do it in your own power; you can’t even do it in your own wisdom.” It was then that I was reminded of Zechariah 4:5; “not by might, nor by power, but by My Spirit says the Lord.”

*Originally published in my church's newsletter and then to Facebook Feb 14, 2020

Dear Reader,

Thank you for not giving up on me. I have been busy writing my memoir this past year and one of the things I’ll be talking about today has been a development that has come out of that writing. God wanted me to finish the book by this past December, and I did that to the best of my ability, but now the book is kind of sitting and I wonder if there is another chapter to be written that is currently being fleshed out in my life.

There is a movie that’s on my list to watch just about every year before or around Christmas, “The Note”. Perhaps I connected with the protagonist’s being a writer before I realized I was one. Perhaps the cute, but cheap love story that’s woven into the plot makes my heart melt. The story has a redemptive element to it that you’ll just have to watch to figure out. But it’s her own personal struggle, the primary task she is tasked with during the movie is to increase her employer's readership, by being a writer that shows her heart; the same task, mind you, that God has given me for 2024.

Let me tell you, when you decide to pick up a pen, or in my case, a laptop and share who you are with the world, It’s scary. Around friends, coworkers, church family, I feel that I’m a fairly open book, and while many of you fit in 1 of those 3 categories, if not more, A ministry isn’t meant to just touch those around you, it’s meant to touch the lost souls of this world; people that would be total strangers to me.

When I endeavored in 2022 to start a blog, I did it with fear and trembling. No. I don’t mean reverence and respect for the God that has given me talent to write, I mean fear and trembling. I had felt the tug a year earlier, but I was conflicted on what I would say. God had to work some carnal thinking out of me before he gave me the green light to go in May of 2022.

So, back to the movie and the development that came out of me writing my memoir... And quite honestly the last 22 months of my life. My book is really talking about my past, upbringing, and the journey that brought me to a place where I have people and a loving church family surrounding me. The unexpected development was the healing of my heart in a way that I never foresaw coming... becoming open to a “forever friend” or partner/helpmate.

There is a situation I talk about in the book that happened to me when I was 19, that had a profound impact on how I viewed money, how I valued myself, and how I looked at the opposite gender. As I have been writing the book and working with a Christian author breakthrough coach, breaking off wrong beliefs about myself, that have obstructed my ability to write this book since God put it on my heart in 2009, I finally was able to except one of the core values that us as humans must face at some point in our lives... I am lovable.

For most of my life up until my mid-20s, not being married or having a girlfriend really wasn’t a big deal. I didn’t care and don’t care for the social status of needing a girlfriend to justify me, or tell someone, “I’m better than you because someone loves me”. But it wasn’t until I found my family 6 years ago, learned about friendship and it’s power, that I found myself this past September telling God, “I’m ready”. My “big sister”, as I call her, Shelly, had told me with her husband at her side a year earlier that, “with so many healthy examples of marriage surrounding you, maybe someday you’ll open yourself up to explore that kind of relationship”. I’ll be honest, I had a Mary moment... Mary, the mother of Jesus, took things people told her and hid them in her heart; that was me with Shelly’s comment. I never dreamed it would come true. But here I was on a Monday evening in September telling God, “I’m ready”. What I was telling Him was I was ready for the friendship part, the rest of it scares me to death; but I've read books, listened to podcasts, and talked to my married friends. God is working on me regardless of if I’ll ever be someone's husband or not; I feel that even if marriage is not in my future, preparing myself for it is not a waste. The bible tells us to count the cost; I think that too many rush into marriage without “counting the cost” beforehand.

I felt God’s calling to leadership a few years ago, and that’s been one of those things for me... It’s like someone handing you a puzzle piece and you're trying to figure out which hole it belongs in. I’ve had an unhealthy fear of being involved in leadership, and thus an unhealthy relationship with the word, "leader". It’s one of the things my author breakthrough coach and I have wrestled with. I have always associated leadership as something that someone does when they stand up in front of a large group of people and speak publicly, or worse, are a manager tasked with leading a group of people to gain a company's goal, while trying to meet yours and not lose your job in the process.

I, through the process of writing this book, have come to accept what is true for me, that’s not who I am; I’m an introvert. The book “Four Tables” by Ken Gurley, has become an impactful book for me, and in the book, he discusses that when we sit down at a table and share a meal with people and fellowship with them something extraordinary takes place... growth. When I spoke to my author breakthrough coach about this book, she helped me to look at leadership through the eyes of someone who sits down at a table, breaks bread, and fellowships; just like Jesus did in the upper room. This is where I thrive, I thrive on intimate personal connections and encouraging people; I’m not some big important leader making eternal decisions or a manager trying to cut shrink in his store by $100,000 or something like that... I’m just a friend sharing my heart.

What do healthy marriages do? It's just 2 friends sharing their hearts... How does a man lead his home? That is certainly a question I’m trying to get an answer to, but my guess is gently, lovingly, and encouragingly.

Until the next post... Be blessed and be encouraged.

I recently heard a podcast, and the Christian therapist on the program told the host, that “many of us when we are younger created narratives as means of defense against some tough issues and situations that we encountered in life, but at some point, in our adult lives we must choose to tell ourselves that we no longer need those narratives. Those narratives helped us survive for a time, but if kept around can limit our potential.” 

God, in a recent coaching session with a Christian coach I am using, showed me either a setting or rising sun, behind some clouds over a body of water. When my coach asked me what that meant to me, I paused and searched for God’s meaning of the image; the phrase that came to mind, “unlimited potential”. With the assistance of a Christian coach, who specializes in cognitive breakthrough, God has been breaking off false narratives that I have created throughout my life to be a protection from threats and hurts that have come against me. 

One of those false narratives, “I am unworthy” and that goes far beyond the human condition that “none of us are worthy”, was stemmed from a picture that I painted using watercolors; our 4th-grade assignment was to paint 2 objects, one in the foreground and one in the background. I painted a sun and mountains in the background and a tree in the foreground; I put my heart on that paper, and I was awarded among several classmates the opportunity to have it displayed in the hallway. A day or two later it had been vandalized by someone writing an obscene phrase. “My heart”, had an obscene and derogatory comment written on it for all the world to see; I showed the teacher and asked her to take it down. It was from that day forward that I believed I wasn’t a good artist and formed a distaste for art. I enjoy looking at artistic people’s works, but I, personally, will not pick up watercolors, markers, or paint and create works of art; I don't even like doing art on computer programs. What came out in this session with my coach was not only did I lose interest in art, but I lost my self-worth. 

God wanted to heal that narrative, but more recently we were trying to find a correlation between the thought “I am not valuable” and my mindset around finances. When God showed me the age and the event, it made so many things make sense; something that happened the month of my 20th birthday at work had created false narratives about financial stuff, my relationships with the opposite gender, and my own value as a human being. 

A fence around your house can protect you from people entering your yard, but a fence around a prison can prevent convicts from escaping. A fence is a fence, and it all depends on the application; if the fence is created to keep out intruders, but you never leave... are you in a house or a prison? It's time for us to shake off those false narratives, break through them and leave them behind. Perhaps God’s word for you is “unlimited potential”, like it was for me. Perhaps you and I can both experience the freedom that our narratives have kept us from. God’s got a greater purpose for us, but if we remain trapped by our false narrative, we’ll never meet our full potential. 

In a recent bible study, a friend talked about the power of words, but she also got into talking about encouragement. She stated that one of her previous pastors had said one time, “Ungiven encouragement is equal to discouragement.” If we fail to give encouragement when the spirit prompts us to, then we are potentially allowing that person to fall into discouragement.

She started the bible study with the question, “Is it hard to give encouragement?” My initial thought was, “Well duh, I'm an encourager... It's not hard to give encouragement”. I am a very analytically-minded person, and I am very considerate, or to use another friend’s description of me, “I weigh words heavily; every word has a depth of meaning to it”. Early on before I understood or realized that God had given me a heart to encourage others, it was difficult to give encouragement. At times it was extremely difficult to the point of, if I were to think of walking up to a lady in church to compliment her hair or outfit, as simple as it may be, it made me uncomfortable.

Encouragement doesn't have to be this big, profound, wordy, and/or wise saying that you give to other people; it can be something as simple as a smile; it can be a simple act or word of kindness. Many times, we don't know what’s going on in other people's lives or other people's heads, and sometimes giving that smile, friendly tap on the shoulder, or a hug, when appropriate, could mean more than anything else in the world to that person. If God prompts you to go pray for another person in the altar, you may not know the circumstance, the situation, or what they've gone through that week, day, or the morning leading up to them being there; the fact that you would come, kneel down and pray with them or spent time in the altar with them, it could be the most encouraging thing in the world to them.

In those earlier days, to give encouragement or a compliment, I would freeze... It was easier to turn and walk away, to avoid giving a compliment, giving a word of kindness, or opening my mouth and saying something. I often wondered if it'd be appropriate, because there are times when a compliment or encouragement could be taken the wrong way, even when the intent is kindness or to be friendly.

The Bible tells us that, “there is power in the tongue, and we have the power to speak words of life, or to speak words of death. Is it hard to give encouragement? It can be if you're locked up in your own mind, if you’re overanalyzing the situation, or if you're putting too much weight into the words that you're using. It’s up to us to be obedient and understand, as my old pastor did, it’s never inappropriate to encourage someone. If the other person has a negative reaction or no reaction at all to being encouraged or complimented, then that’s on them and not me or you.

I had a situation, myself, here a few months ago, somebody I've known for many years, and I've attended two different churches with this person. On this particular day, it was the kind of day that church was good, the service was good, the preaching was good, the worship service was good, and a lot of it was good, but there wasn't really anything that stood out or was special. Sometimes I think we go to church needing something from God but we either do not realize it or we don’t know what we need, and therefore we do not verbalize it. Perhaps we even think we are doing God a favor by going to church, not receiving something, and being fine in realizing that, spiritually, I’m not a baby; I’ve been around church for close to 2 decades, and God puts feeding the spiritual babies as a higher priority.

So, after church, this young lady came up to me, that I've known for many years, and she began to tell me something that her mom had told her, that her mom felt that by my choice to show up to church every Sunday and Wednesday, and to worship God the way I often do, it impacted her children in a way that she credits her children's participation in church to this day to me, and because of that, I mean a lot to this entire family.

When I heard that, it really changed my whole perspective. When I see this lady sing on Sundays, or I talk to her cousin that was raised like a brother and the amount of respect he has for me, or her mom, I am reminded that we each have a part to play and if we are not there to fill it, look at what could have happened in this case... A whole family is still involved in church and being used in ministry and it’s all because I showed up and did my part; as insignificant as it may have seemed. To this family, it mattered and made a difference.

This week we are coming back at you with another video and I'm sharing my story of how I've found a family.

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It is because of readers like yourself, that make writers like me want to write.

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I'm praying that 2023 will be a year of drawing closer to Jesus for you and that you'll draw closer to the ones you love.

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The latest post on The Encourager's Heart has landed

This time on The Encourager's Heart...
Wait... What? A Video?
Is that why you were a week late with this post?

Actually, no. I have been struggling to write and balance all of my writing avenues. With encouragement from my coach, I've decided to shake things up a bit and just speak, via video.

I hope you'll find it equally as encouraging as my written stuff. See you soon!

Thank you for being a subscriber to The Encourager's Heart Blog.
It is because of readers like yourself, that make writers like me want to write.

Thank You!

I'm praying that 2023 will be a year of drawing closer to Jesus for you and that you'll draw closer to the ones you love.

If you've been encouraged by this blog, please feel free to share.

Mathew 5:45 tells us, “For he gives his sunlight to both the evil and the good, and he sends rain on the just and the unjust alike.” 

  I wish I could have understood that, the day I was pondering to be baptized in Jesus name. I knew that my life up to that point had not worked. I had suffered through a great number of things, but being baptized and/or being filled with God’s spirit does not eliminate suffering. 

  Paul reminds us in 2 Corinthians 12:9 that, “(God’s) grace is all you need. (God’s) power works best in weakness.” 

  I spent 6 years of my life wrestling with thoughts, feelings, and questions and I put them away telling myself they were not from God. I went through 2 weeks where I entertained suicide daily. All this while I was going to church, baptized in Jesus name, and filled with the Holy Ghost. I say these things not to glorify them, but to reach the soul that might read this and let them know that it is possible to go through things and be filled with God’s spirit and attend church every time the doors are open. 

  This is where I want to take this blog post… We need to stay under leadership, for Hebrews 13:17 says, “Have confidence in your leaders and submit to their authority, because they keep watch over you as those who must give an account.” We need to stay in fellowship as the believers did in Acts 2:42. We (male and female) need to accept sonship. John 1:12-13 says, “But as many as received him, to them gave he power to become the sons of God, even to them that believe on his name: Which were born, not of blood, nor of the will of the flesh, nor of the will of man, but of God.” We need to stay in mentorship… Proverbs 24:6 tells us, “So don’t go to war without wise guidance; victory depends on having many advisers.” Each day we face different choices, and we must devise plans to face each one; even if our “war” plans do not involve instruments of violence. Don’t do it without mentorship and many advisors. We need friendship… “As iron sharpens iron, so a friend sharpens a friend.” (Proverbs 27:17) I believe we need those people that we can be vulnerable to; having personally gone through Celebrate Recovery, there is a power when you can open up to others and be vulnerable and transparent. God has blessed me with close friendships and people that'll sharpen me or sometimes they’ll take the pruning shears out and prune me. We need God’s lordship… “The LORD directs the steps of the godly. He delights in every detail of their lives.” (Psalms 37:23) A local Bible study teacher says, “He's either God or He's not...Lord of all or not at all.” And I’m just praying to get there. 

  One of these days if we stay in this “ship” we’re going far beyond the sky. 

 
How many times have I been guilty of sitting on the pew and looking through the eyes of the flesh at someone else's worship or someone else's life for the 2 or 3 hours I see them each week, and thinking, "Their life is so much better than mine" or "Their relationship to God is better than mine". It’s like my eyes glaze over and everyone is innocent and I’m guilty. 

“Lie number one you're supposed to have it all together 

And when they ask how you're doing 

Just smile and tell them, ‘Never better’. 

Lie number 2 everybody's life is perfect except yours 

So, keep your messes and your wounds 

And your secrets safe with you behind closed doors.” 

-Matthew West, Truth Be Told 

It is no mistake that both lies are sung in this song because they seem to go hand-in-hand. Why do I say that? Because I’ve lived them; not realizing them for a lie or not willing to admit it to myself. 

When I started attending a church in March 2005, I had not darkened a church door on a regular basis in 15 years, and it was the first time in my adult years I had done so. That church had it’s roots going back to the late 1960’s, but the current pastor had only taken it over 6 months prior. Fast-forward to October 2017, and I left that church for a 6-month-old start-up church called True Life or TLC for short. Our roughly 4.5-acre campus, which has been a couple of other churches prior, has parts of the building that was built in the late 1800’s. 

When I compare my life today and during the last 5¼ years to the previous 12 years and 7 months, I see growth. I feel like those first years I was a tree planted in a pot and grown from a seed, but 5¼ years ago it was time to remove me from the pot and plant me in fertile soil where I could grow some roots. It’s like the Crape Myrtle we planted when we moved here in 1997, we bought it from the store, took it out of it’s pot and it’s outlasted every other plant and tree we’ve planted, but it grew and then a few years ago we trimmed it back and now it’s twice as big, stretching above the roofline of the house. 

I was raised Southern Baptist, but now going to a Pentecostal church, I was green, and everything was new. My upbringing had, to a point, laid the foundations for me to build upon. Today, I am surrounded by friends and people that care and are invested in me becoming the best human and Christian I can be. Today, I’m more willing to talk about God, the Bible, and my testimony with people whether through social media, e-mail, my Blog, church newsletter, or with people I face at work. I wasn’t always that way. What changed? I am loved; God has been loving me through His people; despite my brokenness, despite their brokenness, and because God has loved me, I can freely love others, myself included. 

This is where I think connecting to people is so important... If we get to know them then the imagined façade of perfection melts away and we can see that they are just as human as us; full of failures and flaws. 

“I don't know why it's so hard to admit it, when being honest is the only way to fix it.” “So let the truth be told.”

- Matthew West, Truth Be Told 

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I know that if we live long enough many of us will inevitably walk a dark path as I've shared in a previous post about my own struggles with depression and hard times. This week our guest author, Misti Streeter, has encapsulated finding truth in her message, "Out of Darkness" (as follows).

“But ye are a chosen generation, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a peculiar people; that ye should shew forth the praises of him who hath called you out of darkness into His marvelous light (1 Peter 2:9).  

This verse has always been one of my favorites. It is filled with boundless hope and beauty and perfectly encapsulates the unending grace and mercy of our God. The incredible revelation spoken in this verse reveals to us his promise of redemption and illuminates the fact that He, indeed, has chosen us.  

I have always applied this verse to the day the Lord filled me with the Holy Ghost and saved me. He chose me, pulled me up out of sin and set me on the path to eternity. This verse has always been such a beautiful reminder to me that he knows my name, but as I read this verse a few days ago, I realized I had been limiting it to my past and not applying its power to my present.  

How often do we find ourselves in the midst of pain and suffering? We are caught, maybe even trapped, in the cross winds of a dark storm blowing so violently around us, that all we can do is simply collapse under its weight and let it consume us. Ever been there?  

But what if…… 

What if we applied this verse to our present-day situations instead of looking at it as only a redemptive attribute of our past?  

The end of last year brought an unexpected storm. In the sudden chaos of it all, I literally felt as if I was standing on an elevated ledge in complete and total darkness. Every direction I looked I saw the same thing…. dark. As the winds grew stronger, I began to lower myself closer to the floor, trying desperately to keep balanced on the ledge of the unknown. Eye’s shut tight, and head tucked low, I steadied my stance, trying to anchor myself to withstand this turbulence. So many questions flooded my mind. 

For weeks I prayed, but the winds kept blowing. Months went by and the rain proved to be relentless. “Why, God? Where are you?! Please show me what is happening!!”  I screamed the words, but they seemed to get lost, tossed aside in the hurricane of turmoil that surrounded us.  

Then it happened. Despite the torrential downpour and windstorm, in a moment of bravery, I squinted my eyes open to survey my surroundings. There, in the far corner of this chaos, I noticed a blurry figure lurking in the shadows. Yes, the shadows. For there to be a shadow, there has to be light. As the realization registered, I raised my head and opened my eyes wide to find the enemy squatted directly in front of me, watching.  

It was in that moment, as I stared into the hollow of the darkness, I recognized the source of the storm and this verse came rushing back to memory, “…out of darkness into His marvelous light.”  

I was hunched over in a darkness created by my own insecurity, doubt, and fear. Like a little child, I had closed my eyes tight and allowed my imagination to take control, completely forgetting the truth that I knew. I had traded reality and absolutes for fake and lies. I had believed the lies to be truth and even justified their source. I had allowed myself to create the darkness, not the storm, but the darkness. Oh, but my anchor, Jesus, was faithful and gracious to hold me steady and sure. I had panicked at the sight of the fiery darts of a desperate and brutal enemy and closed my eyes tight in fear, causing eye contact with Jesus to be lost and darkness to invade.  

“I have come into the world as light, so that whoever believes in me may not remain in darkness (John 12:46 [KJV]).  

“For God hath not given us a spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind (2 Tim 1:7 [KJV]). 

Jesus, once again, was calling me out of darkness, into His marvelous light and in doing so, He was allowing the brightness and radiance of His glory to cast light into my darkness, revealing the truth behind the lies and illuminate the source of the disturbance that was trying to destroy. You see, God’s marvelous light was, in my present situation, creating a dimly lit shadow that exposed my enemy.  

“The weapons of our warfare are not carnal, but mighty through God to the pulling down of strong holds… (2 Cor. 10:4 [KJV]).  

Let me encourage your heart today. YOU are chosen. YOU are a child of a King, a royal priesthood. He has called YOU out of the darkness, even the darkness you find yourself in this very moment. He sees YOU.  

Open your eyes. Stand up straight and look upward, locking your eyes to meet the eyes of your Savior. You will find them to be full of love and grace, yet strong with justice and authority.  

As I began to look around me, I realized the ledge I thought I was teetering on was the bow of a ship that was anchored to the Rock of my salvation. The sails were effortlessly blowing in the wind and the sky didn’t look so threatening anymore. Jesus was guiding and protecting the entire time. His light was shining into the darkness of my world and bringing clarity to the darkness.  

Why was the enemy squatted at eye level with me, in the furthest corner? Because that is as close as Jesus was allowing him to come. He had given it his best effort and now he was merely a spectator of the unrivaled majesty and unlimited power of God himself.  

I began to give thanks, praising God for His faithfulness right where I physically stood. Gods light was revealing every question of “why.” Do not be discouraged, but show forth your praises unto Him, that His glory may be known, and continue to illuminate the darkness and the enemy’s agenda.  

Be strong. Stand on the things you know to be true. Just because you see the enemy nearby, does not mean you are defeated. You are, “…more than a conqueror.” When it seems Satan’s fury will overtake, remember, a boundary of protection and grace is being drawn out by the hand of your God.  

There is no need for YOU to fear, for….. 

He has called YOU out of darkness into his marvelous light!  

This verse is not only for the day He saved you, but a reminder of who you are now.  

Who are you? YOU are Chosen. YOU are Royalty. YOU are His. YOU are standing and cloaked in His marvelous light!! 

“The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it (John 1:5 [ESV]).  

Misti Streeter

Misti Streeter (top left) has been married to David (top right) for 22 years and they have two children, Hannah (17) (bottom right) and Jacob (12) (bottom left). She has a B.S. in History with a minor in Christian Counseling and will complete her M.A. in Human Service Counseling (Parent and Child/Adolescent Development) in March of this year. In her spare time, she enjoys reading, listening to podcasts, and traveling. Misti serves on the governing board of the Johnson County Children's Advocacy Center and has a passion for working with families and kids.

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Thank you for being a subscriber to The Encourager's Heart Blog.
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In the bible, many times people would erect altars for memorial purposes including the stone Jacob slept on in Genesis 28 and the twelve stones are chosen out of the Jorden River by the 12 tribes of Israel in Joshua 4. Today our altars may not be physical like those were in Jacob and Joshua’s days... We tend to call them milestone moments. 

Ask any mother about the day one of her children was born and she’ll likely recount many memories of the day... Whether it was her 1st, 3rd, or 5th every child changed her, even if it’s as simple as 1 more human to care for. 

Just like wedding days, births, and deaths, our spiritual journey has milestone moments that we never forget. I remember the 1st time God became real to me, when I was a preteen, and then again in my mid-twenties. I’ll never forget receiving the Holy Ghost in my bedroom. I’ll never forget the service where God told me, how He saw me. Or my trip to West Monroe, LA in Aug 2009, I had a man pray over me and tell me, “The devil is a liar”. Many times, along our journey we can look back and draw strength from them; we remember who we were and what that milestone moment meant to us. 

I can speak about the battles faced when facing depression; I know how lonely and isolating it can be and how alone you can feel, even in a room full of people. I know what it feels like to feel unlovable. When God filled me with the Holy Ghost in 2006, I had been taking prescribed anti-depressant medication, and I felt that that night God cured me of needing that medication; later my doctor concurred with that assessment. I started saying, “my saddest days with the Holy Ghost are better than my best days without Him”. I’ve had some sad days, some loneliness, and some holiday blues, but you know what I’ve noticed especially in the last 5 years since I became a part of TLC (my church)? They never seem to last long and/or they never seem to deteriorate into a full-blown tailspin. When I’m reminded of the group of people God has surrounded me with and I look at those days when I did not have a friend to call upon, sometimes it humbles me to tears. When I walk into the sanctuary on a Wednesday after a holiday weekend and I begin to see faces that I missed that prior Sunday, I can’t help but be smiling ear-to-ear as I quietly whisper, “this is my family”. When those hard days come, I can look at old Facebook comments, old posts where someone put a care emoji, or times when someone told me I had been on their heart, and they were praying for me. Each of these can be the milestones I pull from, and the other cool thing is, sometimes it’s someone else's milestone moment that we can pull strength from, and thus “we overcome by the blood of the lamb and the word of our testimony”. 

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Thank you for being a subscriber to The Encourager's Heart Blog.
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Thank You!

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I am no artist, and my 2 artistic claims to fame, one was of Leonardo, the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle, done on a school chalk board, and the other, was a painting of a tree in the foreground with mountains in the background; that was displayed in the hallway by my teacher and that someone ruined when they wrote an obscene comment on it; thus, ending my art career. Today, I’d much rather create art through words, create a painting in the minds of my readers and be a blessing to their hearts. 

In Tasha Cobb Leonard’s song, “Royalty”, she sings the lyrics, “like a brush in the hands of an artist, I am your masterpiece”, and as I began to hear that song in my heart over the course of several days, after the song was released, I began to not only think of my life, but each of our lives. When God begins to take us through a growth process, life can get unsavory. It makes me think of a painting, where in the background you see some dark, grim, and haunted-looking scene, but in the foreground, you see something with color, life, and beauty. It also makes me think of a video I watched of an artist painting during the singing of the national anthem at a basketball game, the entire time I was trying to figure out what he was painting, and then at the end of the song, he turns the painting 180 degrees and reveals a painting of the NY firefighters raising the American flag after 9/11/01. 

I have spoken before to someone on my church’s pastoral team about being thankful in the middle of the discomfort. At the end of 2022, I have found myself stepping away from some things to focus more on my writing and taking a break from most of my responsibilities at church. It’s just hard because I want to be involved, and serve my church family well, but I realized the roles I was filling were just that, “roles”; and not where I could best serve them. 

Our lives, our marriages, our careers, our relationships, and/or our ministries can each feel much like those two images I spoke of; beauty encased in darkness or flipped upside down, but like a brush in the hands of an artist we are Jesus Christ’s masterpiece. 

Stepping away from things that are familiar, comfortable, and “safe” is like stepping out of beauty into darkness, but like a brush in the hands of an artist, we are His masterpiece. Many times, we are asking, “What’s going on?”, but God’s not done yet; He’s still putting His brush strokes to the painting; he’s letting some of it dry before he continues. 

YOU ARE HIS MASTERPIECE! 

Today's story is another one that I wrote several years ago and comes from a place of struggle. Those who know me personally, know that I've had my battles with depression and low self-esteem for years. Sometimes I've gotten caught in the "I hate who I am so I feel sad; I feel sad because I hate who I am" hamster wheel. We have to seek an answer outside of ourselves from The One who knows us better than we know ourselves. This is my story told from 2 perspectives using primarily 2 characters... Little did I know when I wrote this that my calling would be as a writer and not a pulpit ministry. 😉

Preacher – Please sir might I have a word with you? 

Saint – Sure… What? 

Preacher – Come… Let us have a seat over here near the end of the platform and altar; perhaps the Lord will bless us with some privacy for a few moments and you with some encouragement. 

Saint – Encouragement?  Why would you think I need that? 

Preacher – I can read it all over your face and your spirit. 

Saint – Oh that. 

Preacher – It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to determine if your face isn’t showing the joy of the lord, then there is probably something going on beneath the surface; and I feel that you’re battling some things.  My brother, the very first night I preached here and the very moment I laid my eyes on you, God spotlighted you. I didn’t know why, and I didn’t know how or when, but I felt that if God didn’t do anything else during these revival services, he had to touch you.  Don’t get me wrong God’s been doing exactly what he wants to do, but who’s to say that God didn’t bring you and I here at this time and at this place, for such a time as this. 

      I hope you won’t mind, but I did something “really spiritual”, and I asked your pastor about you.  I asked him, “What can you tell me about that man right there”? 

Pastor – He’s one of my best men. He’s very faithful, pays his tithes, gives offerings, and worships the Lord like I would imagine King David did when he danced before the Lord.  Alas, I know he struggles, and it seems his every step is a snare unto him; some days he prays and some days he doesn’t, he doesn’t think I know that, but I do because he’s human.  He knows how to pray, and I think if he realized that he already knows how to stir the gift within him; if he could make that connection, nobody could stop him.  

Preacher – Perhaps pastor, there is something else as well… 

Pastor – You may be on to something, but I couldn’t tell you what; we don’t know perhaps God has brought you all this way for him, for just such a time as this. Hey, while you’re here though, how about adding a few saints to his kingdom? 

Preacher – And God has done just that!  People have been baptized, filled with the Holy Ghost, Healed, repented in the altar, but perhaps, my brother; God has brought me here for such a time as this. 

Saint – I have the Holy Ghost, I’ve been baptized in Jesus name, I’ve been in church for a few years, and I feel that I’ve been shown a purpose for which I was made; I know more about the bible than I did before I got into church, but I’m just not sure about me.  I have dreams, desires, thoughts, but why me? 

Preacher – I think I now understand where you’re at and why I’m here. Be comforted my brother, I’ve been there too.  I was in my early thirties when I went through some of the roughest years of my Christian walk.  I’d been in church for only a few years at that point and had the Holy Ghost for less than 5 years. I had been called by God to preach the gospel and I knew I had a preacher’s heart, but I also knew I didn’t want to pastor, that’s just not something God’s put in my heart, even to this day, but if he does so, I’ll change my tune. 

      I’m not your pastor and I’m not here to pastor you, I just want to tell you a story from my life that I think will help.  When I was a child in school, I often found myself at the end of ridicule and mockery at the hand of kids that probably didn’t have a high self-esteem and resorted to picking on someone else to make themselves feel better.  I can’t tell you what came first the chicken or the egg; and I can’t tell you which came first my low self-esteem or the ridicule and mockery of my peers, but I remember at some point in my school years making what seemed like an intelligent plan.  I kind of took the old adage “If you can’t beat them join them” and twisted it into a plan.  My plan was to agree with them, ridicule and degrade myself before them, in hopes that if they couldn’t feel like they’ve “got me” they’d become bored with it and leave me alone.  My choices took me down a dark path; eventually I wanted my peers to leave me alone so bad I pretended to be psycho, I talked to myself and played mind games with them.  My choices effected how I perceived myself in my adult years.  Whatever it is that you believe will always reflect on how you act. Now here I am more than a decade out of school, born again, called of God to preach the Gospel, but I don’t believe in myself; I don’t think of myself enough to believe I can talk to some of the well-spoken of preachers, let alone stand in their pulpits and speak to their saints.  But listen here brother; I had struggled years with my self-esteem and now I struggled with my faith and my calling…  Every day I wanted to turn my back and say that’s not for me, but I was pulling hard in two directions, and I couldn’t do both.  Finally, I didn’t know what to say; I didn’t know what to do and I just cried out to God and desperately wanted to know how he saw me.  The Bible says, that “man’s sees on the outside, but God sees the heart”.  I think I know my heart, sometimes my actions speak from my heart and sometimes they don’t convey my heart at all.  Sometimes my actions betray me, and my intentions are not shown and if it happens too often, I’ll think I’m bad, I’m a horrible person, or I’m a backslider, but that’s not how God views you or me. 

     The Bible says that, “Though we may stumble, the righteous man gets up 7 times”.  Our church’s youth group had agreed to go to a Friday night home missions meeting in a nearby city; I went along.  After all the preliminaries, the worship service, and the offering had been taken, the guest speaker arrived at the podium and pronounced a blessing upon every individual in the building, “I bless you in the name of Jesus!”  Feeling resistance in the spirit he again said, “I bless you in the name of Jesus!”  He reminded us that what was bound on earth is bound in heaven and what is loosed on earth is loosed in heaven and told us to turn to our neighbors and say, “I bless you in the name of Jesus!”  He wanted to loose a blessing upon every one of us.  He preached to us about Jesus falling asleep in the boat and the storm coming and Jesus’ disciples fearing that they’d drowned.  He spoke to the voices that have stormed into our lives and told them, “Peace, be still!”  He said a lot and didn’t spend much time doing it or so it seemed, but somewhere in that meeting God Spoke this word in my spirit, “You are beautiful.”  I then thought of the scripture in Psalms 139, where it says, “You are fearfully and wonderfully made.”  Later I remembered the scripture, “He gives us beauty for ashes sake.”  As the preacher stated in his message, “God doesn’t view us based upon who we were, nor does he view us based upon who we are now; he views us based upon who we are going to be according to his divine purpose and will.” 

     So, you see my brother, I believe God’s message for me then is now God’s message for you.  God is your father, and your father says, “You are beautiful.”  God knew you before you were born, and he had a plan for you then that we have yet to see come to pass.  Whatever dreams, desires, ambitions, or thoughts he’s put into you, they are still there and will always be there.  You can do things to try to drown them out, but you don’t seem to be that man; my suspicion is, like me, once this word settles into you and takes root you’ll get out of this slump and a new man will emerge. 

Saint – Thank you. 

Preacher – (As big tears came to this precious saint of god’s face, he thanked me. Being as we already were in the altar, he made his way to his knees and covering his eyes with his hands he wept before the Lord and spoke in that heavenly language that God had given him years before.  His pastor and I we laid hands on him and prayed with him along with two or three other saints. I truly believe this man has some kind of calling in his life as I did; it is possible that I might find him anywhere in the church next time I preach in his church… And then again, I may not find him in his church at all, but rather preaching or pastoring somewhere else.) 

The latest post on The Encourager's Heart has landed

Today on The Encourager's Heart I am sharing an allegorical story that I wrote about 10 years ago about hopelessness and then I will share a testimony that took place in my life shortly after I wrote it. Finally, I will have the honor of introducing a friend, Amanda Finn, who will be adding some final thoughts to the story that I wrote 10 years ago and the overall topic of hopelessness.

It is my desire to bring heart and encouragement to every post that I put out, but I realize that I am 1 person and 1 perspective; God has many children and each of them has their own perspective. Over the life of the blog, I intend to bring other voices in to share their perspective; sometimes it'll be to coauthor a post and sometimes it'll be to write a post by themselves.

In the last 5 years, God has given me many friendships as I discussed in my last post. One of those friendships has been DJ & Amanda Finn, ironically I've always felt closer to DJ and haven't been able to connect with Amanda, but have learned recently that we are actually more alike than we realized; despite DJ telling me so.

Now it’s story time…

There was once a wall created to separate hope from hopelessness and there in the middle of the night ran an unmarried girl; running from her pain, her suffering, her strongholds; the girl, beautiful, thin, long hair with braided ponytails, modest in every way.  She runs to the wall because she doesn’t know where else to go.  She lives in hopelessness and hopelessness surrounds her; her friends are all named hopelessness; she is always called hopelessness because that’s the only way to live on her side of the wall.  She absolutely feels resistance in her soul to be called hopeless; she feels resistance to identify with her surroundings.  As she runs to the wall, she cries remembering all the times her friends have told her, “You are one of us, you’ve always been one of us; we accept you and we love you…  Come be one of us… stay with us.  Where else are you going to go?  There is nothing else for you.  Just stay here!”  But she runs to the wall because a glimmer of hope tells her that their brand of love isn’t what she needs.  She runs because their brand of acceptance won’t sustain her. 

She hits the wall with her forearms like someone trying to catch their fall, but the wall doesn’t move.  She continues to weep as she searches the wall for a possible weakness or loose brick.  Finally, she hits her knees in desperation in hopes that maybe the weak spot or loose brick, that will set her free, is somewhere low.  She works all night long and the blue hue of nighttime fades from the wall, but the sunrise’s glow forms on it. 

You see nobody has told her that hope is on the other side and she herself doesn’t know hope is on the other side, but she scratches and claws, and pounds and digs.  Finally with a face that screams, “I’ve been crying”, she turns, rising to her feet, and faces the rising sun and then slowly slides down the wall, finding herself sitting she cries aloud, “I knew it was hopeless” and puts her face in between her knees with her hands interlocked around her head, she once more wept the words into her skirt, “I knew it was hopeless.” 

Preston’s comments: I wrote this story in March of 2010, 7 1/2 years before I started attending True Life Church in Joshua, TX. At the time I intentionally never finished the story. As it would turn out, in the 6 years leading up to me leaving the church I had been reborn in, and going to True Life, I found myself in some pretty dark days. There were days when I’d go to church, and nobody would be there, but I’d try to pray. Every word felt like it had an anvil attached to it and after 5 minutes, I’d give up and leave. There was two weeks where I was tormented with a spirit of suicide; I remember when it started, I was at work, and I remember staring at the Alsbury/I-35 bridge in Burleson, TX and just wanting to end it all. I’m a child of God; I'm filled with His spirit, but unbeknownst to me I have a spirit of suicide tormenting me and I’m just done with life. 

     Thankfully, the creator of life was not done with me. For 6 years, from 2011 until 2017, God dealt with me about going to a different church, but I was convinced it was the voice of the devil telling me to do so. Finally, in October of 2017, I found a 6-month-old church that felt like home within 15-minutes of me walking in. A man whom I’ve become friends with, gave me a tour of the campus that had been several different churches over it’s 100+ year evolution and history. I remember walking the halls and seeing the bones of it’s potential, but in my spirit rang the Danny Gokey song “Hope in Front of Me”. 

     After suffering multiple difficult circumstances from age 4 to 14, suffering from depression from age 9 to 27, and dealing with difficult circumstances while filled with the Holy Ghost from 2011 to 2017, I know what it feels like to feel like you're on the wrong side of the wall and hope is just merely a fantasy. 

    To quote the lyric from the song “Way Maker”, “Even when I don’t feel it your working, even when I don’t see it your working” 

     Psalms 147:6 (NRSVA) “The Lord lifts the downtrodden and casts the wicked to the ground.” 

     Psalms 43:5 “Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me? Hope in God; for I shall again praise him, my salvation and my God.” 

Proverbs 13:12 “Hope deferred makes the heart sick” 

     On a Wednesday night in March of 2019, my pastor’s wife spoke about identity crisis being anything that shifts your reality away from your expectations and you’re forced to choose how you wish to identify yourself; it is also in those moments that we can find hopelessness. Perhaps the hopelessness you face is quick and fleeting or perhaps it lingers; it probably depends on exactly what you hoped for and how much you were invested in that expected end. 

Proverbs 23:7 “For as he thinks in his heart, so is he.” 

     Hopelessness, much like depression, is something that if you’re battling it, you do not need to battle it alone. God has surrounded me with godly friends and a uniquely awesome church family, that genuinely does what the body of Christ is called to do; we rally around each other and pray for each other, loving each other with Christ’s love. Our church also offers a Celebrate Recovery program to come alongside people and to help them with hurts, habits, & hang-ups, and you do not have to attend our church to benefit from the program. Celebrate Recovery is offered worldwide, and you can find a location near you. 

If you find yourself in a position of hopelessness, I can’t say I know exactly what you’re going through, because your circumstances may be different from mine, but ask God to help you by bringing someone into your life, that you can bear your soul to. Whether it’s a Christian counselor or someone in your church, there is beauty in bearing one another’s burdens. 

I Knew It Was Hopeless: The Conclusion 

By 

Amanda Finn 

She knows hopelessness so well, even the added side effects of it. She’s so keenly aware of hopelessness because she’s once felt hope. She clothes herself daily with the garment of hopelessness each time she speaks those death-defying words “I knew it was hopeless.” Feeling physically defeated, she sits slumped up against this wall of hopelessness. She lifts her head, wipes her tears, and whispers under her breath, “I give up.” As those three words left her lips a calming breeze blew through, and she began to feel a warmth flow through her body. She had finally surrendered. She believed this entire time that hopelessness had a grip on her and in this moment, she realized she had a grip on hopelessness. She gives all her strength to the feelings of hopelessness. She then thought, have I idolized my past hopes to the point of hopelessness? Consumed by moments in her life where she felt hopeful, she was unable to move into her future. She sat awestruck at this revelation. It was as if something in her mind unlocked and she felt a sense of freedom. She boldly stood to her feet and while face to face with “hopelessness” she began to speak to it, rather than physically fighting it. She rebuked the words of death that she and her “friends” spoke over her. These “friends” are the spirit of discouragement. This spirit of discouragement snuck in under the façade of encouragement. “You’re one of us” “you’ve always been one of us” “we accept you and we love you.” The wall that created the separation between hope and hopelessness was created in her mind and built up by her words. You see the city and wall of her own hopelessness were at the hands of her own making… She was the creator of it, but God had to make her see that He is the author of hope, and by her reaching her rock bottom moment and saying, “I give up”, God was able to bring her out of her hopelessness and back into fellowship with Him.

“Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruit.” Speak life. Speak Jesus.  

“The mind governed by the flesh is death, but the mind governed by the Spirit is life and peace.” Romans 8:6  

“May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope.” Romans 15:13 

Preston’s final thoughts: Amanda & I put our hope in God and we hope this story and testimony will bless you and that you too will find hope in Jesus Christ.